Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
I knew that reading Hanya Yanagihara’s A Little Life would be difficult. Especially, to attempt it as one of my 30 Books in 30 Days. It had taken me seven months to cross the page 200 threshold.
Let me begin by saying that this book is not for everyone. It may not even be for anyone. Is it an award-winning piece of literature? Absolutely. Is it a beautifully written book? Absolutely. But it is difficult to read for a reason. If you read A Little Life without difficulty, I would think that you were only reading the names and articles in the book. This book is not for casual readers. This book is not for homophobic readers. This book is not for victim blaming readers. This book is probably not suited to anyone who has struggled with self harm, suicide, childhood and/or sexual trauma. This book is not for anyone who wants to close a book when they’ve finished it and walk away.
This book left me with raw emotions. Over the course of the three days that I finished the remaining 600+ pages, I found myself living inside this book. I felt their pain as though it were my own. I had to stop reading at times because I could not stand it anymore. I felt ragged. Yanagihara created a devastatingly realistic world. Everything terrible that happened, I knew it was possible, it has happened to someone.
A Little Life chronicles the life of four friends from college to middle age; Jude, Willem, Malcolm, and J.B, with Jude as the primary focus. Jude is like a ghost, his past a mystery even to his closest friends. All the reader knows of him at the beginning of the book is that he has a physical handicap to do with his legs.
Jude is a chronic self-harmer. The scenes of Jude harming himself are visceral and stomach turning. Reading these scenes, I felt angry. I was angry that no one in Jude’s life could help him. Uncovering Jude’s past made it worse. The more I knew, the less I wanted to know, the angrier I was with the people in Jude’s life. Jude never let his friends inside of his carefully constructed fortress, not until much later in his life. The reader, of course, is privy to Jude’s personal hell.
As the book moves onward, the friends growing older, relationships change. When a friendship fell apart, I knew that pain. I knew the awkwardness that comes later when you see each other again. You still care about each other, but you can’t be in each other’s lives anymore. It’s a heartache that no one prepared you for.
I have attempted to write this with as few spoilers as possible. I encourage only readers who can handle the emotional toll from A Little Life. At times, it can be overwhelming, but this book is so important.
Jude is a survivor. He survived a hell he did not deserve. There are demons in the lives of our friends' that we cannot begin to imagine. Their methods of survival are not to be judged. The ache left in my heart by A Little Life is a reminder to extend mercy to my fellow human at every opportunity and to stand in the gap when possible.